Me? I think so. ShadowChaosGoddess

I never liked living in the past, not saying that I rather live in the future either; I like my life as it is. Like everyone I wish my life were perfect when I was 12, but now I like this adventure. Sometimes, I wish that my life were so much simpler. I would wish that I were average. I wished that I wasn’t ‘gifted’. Everyone tells me it’s an honor, to be in gifted, but I never felt any honor at all. Everyone in my class is defiant, loud, and annoying, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. They’re just regular kids, but we’re suppose to be special somehow. I would ask myself. What’s so special about being gifted? Why are we different? How are we different? I knew I was different. Somehow. I don’t know how just yet. I like many things like music, art, and things similar. Once some one told me that crying heals the soul. I have felt sad but never cried unless something really gets me. I’m a sensitive person. I’m not afraid to admit my faults, but I barely know my strengths. Anybody can smile but a strong person can cry. I like crying to be honest. I know this because I often laugh when I cry. There’s something so funny about a situation when I’m crying that I laugh. There is a saying some one told me before in a dream at sometime. The problem with being strong is that no one asks if you’re ok. I can’t say that I’m strong but I’m pretty sure I’m not weak either. I dream that I am missing something in my life, but I don’t know what. I’m going crazy. I already took a test. It said that I am currently 56.7% insane but I don’t think that’s true. I mean there is no reason for me to be insane. If you knew me you would say ‘but you’ve always claimed to be’. Guess what? I claim many things. I can’t really tolerate people. I HATE when people act like they know me. Like they understand what’s going on. Why can’t people just leave me be. It’s like it’s one of those situations where you observe someone getting along with their enemy and acting like nothing had happened. No matter what, you do not forget your past, or those who you have had bad impressions with. You can’t comprehend why someone would even consider being so forgiving towards his or her foe or traitor. At times, experiencing this kind of thing will make you annoyed to an extent. I just want to be noticed, I just want to be myself. Sometimes it’s hard to trust others. Even though they are really close to you. It’s hard to try when people are ONLY telling you that you’re not trying. HOW CAN YOU TELL ME IF I AM TRYING!!!!! You don’t go to my school. You’re not me. You say that I don’t want to socialize but do you ever think of why? I don’t want to be alone but it’s hard to be social when no one else is putting effort into becoming your friend. It hurts me. It hurts. It hurts that when I try to tell you what going on in my life you don’t understand. I don’t really know what’s this going to do but…it will help her I mean me. I drop hints. So many hints like being tired, my pictures, my songs, and my isolation. Nothing ever works. I guess you could call this desperation. I bet you won’t read this any ways, you will just move past it like it’s just nonsense. I mean why waste your time? I just saw my chance and took it I guess. I could use real friends even though those you create never leave I feel like I only have a few ties to this world. I can feel my head hurt for no reason. I’m tired even when I get sleep. What is wrong with me? Everything I guess. I can’t be the ‘smart’ Anaya you always hoped. I can’t be the ‘insane’ Anaya that I pretended to be. I can only be Anaya and even I don’t know who that is and neither do you. Everyone always sat only you know yourself, but I don’t know who I am! I don’t know Anaya! I’m just an empty shell of her trying to find my purpose. I bet most of you are like but how are you and empty shell? I don’t know. It’s like starting over. You don’t know anything about yourself. Most people would say you learn about yourself while growing up, but I’m 13 and all I know is that I love Music, Anime, Pictures, and my favorite colors, season, and clothing choices. I can change my personality. I could be happy go lucky one day and be loner the next! I don't know what I'm going to do with my life! I want to try so many things but...I can't. It's not that I have low self-esteem it's more like I need and outlet like this. A place that I can express my self like I do in my drawings. It's not drawings of a 'like for others suffrage' it's a drawing of my own inner turmoil but no one questions it. I showed a picture of my two sides after fighting to my teacher and asked 'which one do you like?'. Most teachers would probably question me about my pictures or asked why I drawn it but my teacher, after looking at it, said 'It depends on my mood'. WHY? This is a picture of an internal battle that little to no people tries to help me with! My class would say but your always smiling and having fun. I know that. I know I'm smiling but inside...I'm slowly dying. If my family read this they would probably say 'why didn't you say something'. It's hard to explain something like this when no one notice it. If you saw me slowly dying mentally in front of you would you help? Yes you would because you would know because you were looking. You're not looking are you? You don't see it. You probably left before you got here didn't you? Who would want to read about a 13 year old when there are older people going through the same thing? Well, which is more important the past or the future? I could go on about things like this but I'll jus put up a song that explains it all. (I don't own this video or song)

Thanks,
ShadowChaosGoddess of the ShadowChaosGroup; Kyoki no ko